Bad review :(

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    Venn Stone

    From our good friend Terry

    Dear sirs,
    Thank you for having me on your web show last night. It was a pleasure to participate in your interview and to tell you to your faces that you are obscene. The subsequent review of my game Retrobooster was delightful and would have only been better had it been live as your webpage title implies. Ordinarily I receive reviews of my game with utmost civility and gratitude. However, because yours is the lowest score my game has received from any press organization (I use that term loosely here) and because it is tradition to tell you why your reviews are wrong, I will make an exception.

    I should start by conceding there were a handful of accurate statements during the review, such as Mr. Stone’s labeling of the game as “fuck you hard.” While vulgar, it was considerably more descriptive and erudite than Mr. Cwang’s “shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit.” It was also pleasant to note that Mr. Mateus achieved a degree of motion sickness, and likely without ever reaching the hidden level that is aptly titled “Motion Sickness.”

    Mr. Stone’s remark about “inconsistent physics” was inaccurate at best, as was Mr. Cwang’s description of “suicidal” people. The degree of cold, mathematical precision in Retrobooster is, dare I say, unrivaled in the realm of video game physics. And the virtual people, while equipped with impressive artificial intelligence, simply cannot run as fast as your spaceship. Both of these statements are most probably a side effect of your collective ineptitude.

    On the subject of mathematics, I have noticed a peculiar pattern of rounding down in your reviews. It is generally accepted that decimals 0.5 and higher are rounded up to the nearest integer while others are rounded down. For example, Retrobooster received chair scores of 1, 2, and 2 in the Fun category. 5 / 3 = 1.667, which clearly rounds to 2, yet this category received a final score of 1. (This is of course ignoring the observation that these individual scores were based more on your distaste of my pricing than the game’s level of fun.)

    Similarly, the category scores of 4, 2, 3, and 1 average to 2.5, which is commonly rounded to 3.

    It is evident how two levels of rounding errors (for individual categories and then for the total) can compound to produce incorrect scores. Ignoring the strange “logic” by which the individual chair scores were reached, the total chair count from this review was 33. Properly dividing by 12 gives us a final score of 2.75, which would be rounded to 3 in any nation reasonably skilled in science and math, except perhaps Canada.

    Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require further assistance with complex mathematical concepts, such as averaging.

    In closing, it was an honor and a thrill to spend some time in your scatological corner of the Internet. I will graciously accept your updated review score of 3 chairs if you deem such an update prudent. I hope to see many more thoughtful and mathematically precise live game reviews on your show in the coming months and years.

    Terry Welsh

    P.S. I sill like you guys. Well, Pedro at least.


    He is a funny one.


    He actually wants MORE chairs thrown at him…? Most sane people would run away after two (or even one!) — but he’s like “HIT ME AGAIN.”

    1 chair for being so entitled.


    Oh Terry, your misery never ceases to arouse me.


    he but hurt :-(


    I hate being “that guy” but after beta testing Retro and loving choplifter from my C64 days; I really loved this game and didn’t quit get LGC’s reviews….


    The explanation behind the bad math was that you can’t split a chair in half (well you could but it wouldn’t be a useful chair anymore), and also “OMFG, we’re counting with chairs, what did you expect”.
    So yes, this leads to a completely false score 90% of the time and it should never be taken into account.
    It’s up to the viewer to figure the actual score by listening to what’s being said during the review. You can also adjust the score with rules such as:

    – not listening to Pedro during Makes w/ the working because calculator
    – not listening to Venn during Fun because he hates everything

    Pedro Mateus

    Unless I’m the one giving it 4 chairs in MWTW, that usually means you’re doing it right!


    I blame bad math in the PhysX, should have listened to these USA oracles.


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