L.G.C. |Reviews| — Cradle

Your intrepid heroes grab buckets, spin in circles, and search for a resolution. Cradle faces the CHAIRQUISITION!

Game: Cradle
Webzone: http://store.steampowered.com/app/361550/
Flying Cafe for Semianimals
€/$ 12.99 – CDN$ 13.99

Wazzat: Cradle is a fascist, sci-fi first-person-view quest designed for right-handed players to explore the surrounding world. The story is built around the relations of the protagonist and a mechanical girl who by quirk of fate found themselves amidst the desert.

CHAIR– Nooope

CHAIRCHAIR– Not sure if want


CHAIRCHAIRCHAIRCHAIR– Shutupandtakemymonies

Makes with the working


  • I just did a doubletake at what J-man is about to bring up.
  • I can only confirm there is no 4K res options.
  • Yes, guys and goils; three of us have 4K displays and two /w a 980.
  • And aaand at 1080 it runs like butta /w everthing on 11 ..until you move.
  • Did I mention that it refuses to work with Steam overlay?
  • I hit Shift+Tab and the game locked the gerbil into the window and there was no way out.
  • Good old Ctrl+Alt+F2 to the rescue.


  • No 4K option.
  • To be fair, that’s probably a good thing considering how shit this runs at 1080, on a 980
  • Hard pressed to be pushing 40 FPS on high


  • I finished the tutorial and walked up to the train stop.
  • The FerPS went from 45ish down to 25 when I did a slow 360º.


  • After 5-15 minutes of playing 45 fps suddenly drops to 5 fps.
  • Tried different drivers, rebooting, etc. #nope #patchplz #hahanever


Shiny / Sounds


  • They spent some proper time on the sounds and good on them!
  • It looks nice, really, really, nice.
  • Cohesive art design, this has it.
  • Hey! Look! Oil Rush water! Neat!
  • But something is missing.
  • Yeah, trees are missing limbs, Brad.


  • It’s uningine, so it’s kind of pretty
  • The soundtrack is just kind of there though
  • Everything looks nice until you get up close and look at it
  • Might have blown my mind in 4k, but we’ll never know.


  • The tutorial looked nice, if a little dark.
  • It did feel a little hand holdy, though.
  • There were sounds, I guess.
  • Nothing to write home about.


  • Nice models, good geometry. Outside fields look natural.
  • Muted colors in most places makes things look old a worn.





  • It loses two chairs for it’s painful inventory management system
  • Holy fuck, for a game that requires you to combine items in various ways, you could have at least spent some time to not make it clunky as all hell.


  • In 2015, a game that doesn’t allow you to rebind controls.
  • I might have given it two chairs if it had the arrow keys mapped to mirror WASD.
  • But it didn’t, Brad!
  • I can’t play your first person game if you force me to play with WASD.


  • Stupid pick up the object and it floats in front of you mechanic.
  • While it’s floating there, you have no controls to orient it.




  • This is Myst 3D.
  • Ironically Myst was composed /w hypercard (not really a game engine) and in 2015 this was composed /w UNIGINE (not really a game engine)
  • This is what I like to call a scrapbook game.
  • Where you spend a chunk-organ of time collecting bits-o-story
  • Unfortunately this often involves picking up and moving shite
  • Only Frictional knows how to do that properly, son.
  • The random ‘block games’ can eat a bag ‘o floppy dicks.
  • I ended up losing interest after an hour
  • After reading the endless complaints about how the game just STOPS (not really an ending) I have little incentive to finish it.


  • Myst is an apt comparison for this
  • However, instead it distracting me from needing to wait for my therapist, this just made me bored
  • Click all the things to all the other things
  • The performance of the game doesn’t help with the experience either
  • It puts the lotion in the basket


  • I didn’t play past walking up to the train stop thing.
  • I refuse to play elitist/fascist games that assume everyone is right handed, or has two symmetrical and functional hands. That’s a really bad move Brad.
  • Wanna know what the best part is?
  • They’re ignoring everyone who tells them about this.
  • Go to the Steam forums and look up Controls.
  • I also sent them an e-mail about it. No answer.
  • Well then,


  • They had me at the robotic torso.
  • They lost me with the rest of the game. Put teh red kettle on the furnace… whu?


Final –CHAIR


Leave Your Reply